Sharky Stargazer: Eddie Mahoney
When the stars align, fates collide.
Eddie Mahoney may have the best job in the galaxy: Leading stargazing tours. In Maui. He’s also the best wingman ever. Maybe too good.
Picture it. A balmy evening at the Hyatt Regency Maui. Our hero—let's call him "Jack"—is here with "Jill," the love of his life. (Along with a few other starry-eyed couples.) Jack has been planning this moment for a long time. His voice swoons as he takes Jill's hand.
"Are you shivering from emotion, my love, or is it chilly out here on the rooftop observatory of the Hyatt Regency Maui's Lahaina Tower? I would offer you my jacket, but I spilled fruit punch on it at the luau. Sorry about that. Come a little closer, I'll keep you warm.
"Here, have this chocolate-covered strawberry and a glass of champagne. It's all part of this romantic, couples-only Tour of the Stars, led by Edward 'Eddie' Mahoney, Director of Astronomy here at the Hyatt Regency Maui. You're right, that does sound like an extremely cool job. Well, I wouldn't say it's that much cooler than my job as assistant plumber to Mr. Rooter, Cleveland's third-highest rated emergency plumbing service. But, okay, maybe a little cooler.
"Listen, my humuhumunukunukuapua'a—that's the state fish of Hawaii, I looked it up on Wikipedia just for you. I know how much you care about animals. Things haven't always been perfect between us, but they're about to get better. This vacation to Maui is just the beginning. Don't worry about the money—I promised Mr. Rooter I'd work weekends for the next fifteen years.
"…Do I think Eddie's handsome? I suppose, in a ruggedly intellectual sort of way. And he does know a lot about stars. Sure, go ahead, have a look through his digital 14-inch Celestron aplanic telescope. Take your time. I'll just wait until Eddie's finished pointing out that little-known erotic constellation.
"What was I saying? Oh, yes, the next fifteen years. I'm going to spend them snaking the clogged main sewer lines of Cleveland. And I want you right there by my side. Eddie's stargazing tours aren't just for couples, you know. He also runs family-friendly astronomy programs. One day we can bring our kids here.
"Yes, I said our kids. I don't have a real ring yet, just this washer from my kitchen sink drain, but that doesn't mean I'm not sincere. Will you marry me?
"What's that? You want to find out if Eddie's single first? And maybe spend another month or two here in Maui learning all about the stars? Oh. Okay. But don't keep me waiting forever. I'm going to have to start learning to clean septic tanks to pay for the wedding."
Take a tour with Eddie if: You need a little help setting the mood.
Don't take a tour if: You need a lot of help.