Sharky Hotel Motto: The Curtis Hotel, Denver CO

Better than Prozac.

Doc, I may just be the grumpiest person on the planet. No, I wouldn’t say I’m depressed exactly. I’m just…not a lot of fun. I only own clothes in sensible neutrals. I watch a lot of foreign films. Sometimes I go to poetry readings at the library. I usually eat buckwheat oats for breakfast.

My best friend says I need a vacation, but I’m not so sure. She told me about this hotel called the Curtis, in Denver, Colorado. Their motto is “Stay Happy,” and the whole hotel is designed to make you smile. Apparently, they have some kind of pop art theme, but I think it would take a lot more than that to make me smile.

What would it take? I don’t know—but I’m just not sure cartoons playing in the lobby isn’t going to cut it. Neither will a library of vintage board games and books about fashion, TV, and rock ‘n’ roll. Nor 13 guest floors, each with a different personality, like “One Hit Wonders,” “Big Hair,” and “Chick Flick.”

Oh, was I smiling while I said those things? I doubt it. I must have had something sugar-free and fibrous stuck between my teeth.

Anyway, my friend was telling me that, at The Curtis, you can get a wake-up call from Elvis, Yoda, or Austin Powers. And the front desk staff sometimes sets up Guitar Hero or hula-hoop contests. Can you imagine me with a hula-hoop? Ha!

That wasn’t a real laugh. I faked that.

Tell you more? Let’s see…apparently, the Curtis has a shop called the 5 & Dime, filled with treats like classic sodas, candy, and games. And if you don’t have anyone to play with, you can call up the lobby and they’ll match you with someone on the staff.

Could you please pass the tissues? I’m feeling a little weepy. Wait…no…these aren’t tears of sadness! They’re tears of joy!

Doc, I’m cured! You won’t be seeing me next week—I’m off to Denver to “stay happy!”

Stay in this hotel if: You always carry a stick of chalk in your pocket for hopscotch emergencies.

Don’t stay in this hotel if: You eat buckwheat groats for breakfast.